My mind is reeling or is it realing? Because it's all SO REAL!?!

A lot happened today. Funny thing is, I fully intended to hibernate for the whole day and lick my wounds. In other words I was going to either be a bear or a cat but I really didn't want to be out and about. I know there's a lot to be thankful for but I was feeling gloomy, worried, tummy achy, and heartsick over yesterday. The truth is the biggest bother to me was that I knew my word had been broken (and not because of something I did). I said to my DP, Devon, that when he works with me it will always just be a single day of shooting. I said that then there would be one day of editing. Now, this has changed ... hence, the broken word and guilty feeling. No one likes the guilt and after twelve years of Catholic school I'm a pro ... ick.

THEN, I had a realization that I was comparing my performance to Meryl, which I've been saying is not the point of this project, and I'm at a distinct disadvantage. She had the luxury of a crew of how many? She had months within which to shoot the film. She had a budget that far exceeded a whopping zero. Plus, she had that whole Meryl talent thing. Now, don't get me wrong, I have the Nancy talent thing but clearly my experience doesn't eclipse hers. So, what was I thinking? Have I completely lost my mind? People are going to look at the scenes and think, that's nothing like the movie or not nearly as good and it's gonna be a well, DUH situation! Of course it's not. Still I forge ahead.

GOT a message from Devon saying he had some selects for me to see.I assumed selects meant he was going to show me snippets. I would have used the word snippet and been the comedy for the day but instead pretended to know what it meant. Later, I found out I was right about the word selects. I was wrong though, about something very important. Did I mention that I thought I might have looked like crap in the shoot yesterday? Actually if I'm really going to reveal myself here, that fear brought me to tears about four times today ... hence the hibernation plan. By crap, I mean that I felt my acting might have been too big for film. We all know there's a difference between stage and film and no one wants to see stage acting on camera. Well, I got downtown, met with Devon, confirmed the word selects and watched them without sound. Here's the wrong part. There was actual subtlety in my performance! OMG, I so didn't expect that. I informed him of one shot that made my neck look like I had three goiters in it and how that needn't be included in the final cut but other than that, was pretty impressed with the way he shot things and the overall look. WHEW! Say it with me, WHEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Or insert the expletive of your choice ... thank goodness.

SO, I got on the phone tonight with Mr. S.J. Kim. That's my attempt to keep him incognito but you know who I'm talking about AND he made my head swim with ideas. That was so the opposite of hibernation. If I were a computer could have blown the mother board! You see, he is coming to town and has been feeling guilty, we have that in common, about not helping me. What he clearly doesn't realize is that when he tried to give me wisdom during my 3 hour stint of putting my contact in, THAT WAS help. Who else could I call and be such a dufus in front of while attacking my own eye? I'm telling people I have a glass eye on the left now, just to illustrate the drama involved. Oops, sorry, I got off track there. Back to the phone call. So, he's coming to town, and, like Santa, wants to bring presents in the form of organizing, shooting, editing, and idea giving out the yin yang. He even talked me into shooting the two scenes for the letters B and C while he's in town so I could "get ahead of my schedule" and have some breathing room. Names of DPs were flying, locations were being discussed, casting was whizzing by ... he talked about ALL of it! His whole intention was to help, help, help. He really did and his offers were way sweet and generous BUT he also got me thinking, like stay awake thinking ... oh NO! Mama needs her rest. That can't be. We did accomplish two very important things though, according to casting and locations etc. We selected the next TWO shoot dates. That's a big deal. He believes in me so much that it never occurred to him that he might explode my brain but that's OK, I don't mind (if I could type a facial tick here, I would) ;-)

I'm waiting to hear from the magnificent Wendall (he is a magician in his own way) and then I will make the final decision on my scene selection for Before and After, my B movie. Um, you realize I mean which stands for the letter B in A to Z, right? These movies were all mainstream and none would qualify as B movies but some of the way we pull this together may feel a lot like one. Anyway, I do ramble so, oopsy. Wendall will tell me the location and we'll take it from there.

When S.J. Kim leaves town he will have helped me put two in the can, so to speak. I won't explain that to you. Let's see what you do with that phrase. It's about as easy as selects.