Contemplations in the Shower

I don't really have a morning routine.  Other than my eyes opening, morning math (how many hours did I clock), and checking for email on my phone before standing up ... it's all a crap shoot.  I might shower immediately, or blog, or clean, or do a sudoku puzzle or return emails or or or.  Today though as in many days, I took a shower first thing.  This is where I do all of my thinking ... wait, that sounds bad, I'm not a zombie for the rest of the day but I basically take a shower and try to solve the world's problems.  It's just what I do.  I also start to picture myself having my day, I see myself cleaning my apartment like a crazy woman.  I imagine what I'll blog about.  I think about conversations I will have with very important people in my life and I usually think about sticking up for myself in various situations where I've been wronged, or so I perceive it.  Oh and then there's the list of errands that I compile in my head and almost never remember totally.  This will bug me later, trust me.

Then I get out of the shower, dry off, forget to use lotion and look for an outfit.  Lately I've been down so I haven't been going anywhere which means my outfit choices have been that which would resemble the homeless or a drunk college kid.  This does not make for a good feeling when I pass a mirror so you can be sure that when I walk around, my head is down.  Now one would think I would begin to tackle all of those solutions I came up with in the shower, since I'm dressed and I'm all alone with no one to get in my way but that's NOT what I do.  I become paralyzed.  The big spring cleaning I imagined seems too daunting.  The stances I decided to take on my own behalf are too frightening and frankly, exhaust me.  I do tend to blog for the most part but even that has been less than lately.  Well, there's no A to Z right?  So what AM I talking about anyway? 

I've been waiting for a very important package in the mail. I won't go into details but suffice it to say that without it, I will have no work per se and it will put me in a very bad position.  This stresses me out beyond belief.  I could just move on, trust that it will come when it does (that's pretty much how that always goes down) and find something else to do with my time but that's NOT what I do.  I worry.  I send emails to correct the situation and I get vague in return.  I can't even call them responses. They're just vague.  It's amazing how many people have no problem with answering questions with non answers.  I personally would feel like I was ripping off the questioner but not most folks.  Am I too forthcoming?  Do I expect to know too much?  Am I surrounding myself with people who are less than honest?  What does this mean?  Yikes. 

Well, I just got word ... actually I didn't get word I read word on facebook and it was Cassie's status indicating that she was in the car coming home.  For those of you out of the loop, she went to Kansas in January for a month.  Um, yes you got that right, this is the end of March and that is way longer than a month.  She was promised a ride back but it never materialized until last night so she's in the car even as I type.  I'm not sure if I'll see her right away and her room is NOT ready for her at all... remember the cleaning thing, yes, that's what I'm talking about. Her room is the laundry room. The entire room is filled with clothes, hers and mine, and about 15 loads from now I suppose the room could be used for sleeping but not before.  So, I should be cleaning that somehow, not even for Cassie but for me.  It's been hanging over my head and really bugging me, not enough to make me actually do something about it but like a fly buzzing around my ear bugging, bugging, bugging. I'm not sure the significance of Cassie coming home. I'm not sure how I feel about any of it.

As for A to Z, I might be a half step closer to getting my pictures for my new packet and for work.  Updated headshots is a must in my biz.  A half step isn't that big of a deal except it does involve me being in LA for at least a few days and that will be good for my soul.  Funny huh?  A place where the soulless reside, is good for my soul ... go figure. 

What will I do now?  I don't know.  I have this whole day before me and I don't want to see or talk to people.  I should be cleaning but I cannot promise I'll do that.  Now you see the significance of my completing A to Z.  I built a schedule that would not allow me to procrastinate or become paralyzed.  I did it and now I fear that until I find another love project, I will be looking like the homeless, woefully out of fashion, depressed.