Faith

Today I watched online church again.  This is week two and nope, it's not Sunday but that's the beauty of the online thing, you don't have to be on time.  Gotta say, I love that.  The sermon was about faith.  Really if you watched it, you might say it's about something else entirely but the gist was that if you trust in God or the universe and ask for the big stuff, it will work out.  I had to get introspective here.  I know that when I was doing A to Z, I wanted big stuff, right?  I wanted Meryl Streep to call me. I wanted to hear from Ellen DeGeneres.  I wanted my videos to go viral.  I wanted an agent, casting director, filmmmaker to call and offer me big things.  I wanted film work.  I said it over and over in this blog and out loud. I put it out there for all to see and criticize.  I don't think I was too shy about my clarity, my desires, my goals.  Still, it would seem that none of that happened.  I had doubt. I felt greedy asking for it.  I had worries that my dream was less noble than perhaps someone else's.  So was it my own feeling that I was asking too much or a lack of faith that made it not happen?  Was it me being too afraid to say I want THIS and not settle for anything less than that has me on my couch with the phone not ringing?  The hope is still there.

Yesterday my phone rang.  It was a 310 number ... that's LA.  It was a call I hoped, from an agent or director or someone who saw A to Z.  That's what it was in my dreams and for the second that I glanced at the phone I had two fast thoughts run through my mind ... wrong number or something great.  It was a realtor who said she was from Century 21 ... which made it sound all the more like MGM was calling and she wanted to know if I knew anyone looking for real estate in my area.  I have a 310 phone number so she was referring to Culver City or greater Los Angeles.  Hmm, nope, I'm in Ohio right now but I'll let you know, was my response. Then she said, "are YOU looking to move?" to which I wanted to shout... DUH, ALWAYS.  But I did not say that.  I said no. What would have been the big deal for me to say yes and just see what was possible?  I was too afraid to even play with the thought for a moment.  I didn't want to be disappointed in the end so I didn't engage. 

I think a lot of us do that with our dreams.  We don't even dare to entertain them because we secretly know they will not come true and don't feel we could bear the disappointment.  So as I sit here barely able to stand the disappointment in the lack of calls from a to z and the lack of big news as the result of my year long project, I still am glad I did it.  Now I just have to have the guts to ask for what I want without apologies, leaving the selfish feelings behind and have the faith that it will happen for me.