World's longest funk

OK, here's the deal.  I've never been on medication for depression and I don't believe I need to be now.  This doesn't feel like a chemical imbalance. It feels like I'm believing conditioning and thoughts I've been telling myself.  It feels like I'm giving in to fear.

Last night I watched AGAIN the movie that inspired A to Z with Meryl and Me.  Julie and Julia was my template.  While the similarities are few and far between, they still exist very much.

Julie Powell and I both:
- Write blogs
- Wanted to meet the subject of our project
- Have meltdowns
- Don't want to let those watching/reading down
- Had or have the fear of it all being for nothing
- Wanted to complete this project for follow through purposes.

With that said, and not so eloquently I realize, I can catalog some of the major steps that happened for Julie Powell.  It took her longer than me to have a comment on her blog that was not her own mother.  Then her blog took off with hundreds or thousands of readers.  That clearly has not happened for me. It also took her longer than me to get press for her project.  HOWEVER, she was in New York City so when she did finally get press it was The New York Times!  I can't even get the Cleveland Plain Dealer to give a crap.  She immediately got calls for books, and a ton of attention from ONE article.  She was offered a book deal, an agent and a ton of other things before the end of her project.  As far as I can tell that happened about two weeks before she was done so I could be jumping the gun. I have had nice things like a rise in hits or readers after each of my press moments but NOTHING like that. 

Recently, the guy who started this all who suggested I make A to Z bigger than just a video from my living room, said that I haven't even begun.  Now I need to take the whole next year and market A to Z.  That again, makes complete sense but you can see why I was thinking this one year would be enough. After all, Julie Powell got those calls before her year was up so why couldn't that happen to me?

Back when I started I told the Jimmy that the difference between this project and anything else I've ever done was that I couldn't see failure. No matter what, even if I got no calls I would have a great reel.  I would have learned accents. I would have worked with amazing talent and showcased all of us.  I knew this and that is still true but I am starting to agree with those who think I have failed.

I have had more than one person suggest I get a real job. Those are people who care about me and want to know that I'm eating.  I'm scraping bottom of my energy just to get A to Z done so how much energy would I have if I were working at CVS too?  I will not be doing that so I hope no one ever says that to me again.  Caring or not, I must finish this and I just don't have it in me to do more than what I'm doing.

I have never cried so much before in my life, for so long.  I feel as though my whole life consists of me waiting.  I'm waiting for my career to take off. I'm waiting for my daughter to surprise me.  I'm waiting to be with the person who can support me and love me for who I am without wanting to change me.  Now I know what people would tell me I don't have to wait for anything, it's all good right now.  Frankly, the metaphysical stuff isn't going to cut it right now.

No one understands which is why I have spent more time alone lately than ever before.  I will get out of this funk. I will survive just like the song says.  I won't depress people when I see them. I'll still be the clown and make everyone smile and laugh.  It will get better.  It has to ... it just does.