Soon my shoulders will be lower ... but not today

Why are my shoulders high you ask?  Because when I get tense they creep up around my ears ... it actually shows.  Let me tell you about today's schedule and you will see why they are already climbing Mount Everest.

Today I have an audition, an appointment with my makeup artist, my shoot, a visit to the upholstery guy to pick up the light kit and see his handy work, the first scheduling phone call with my editor for the Y scene, and about 30 other tasks.  Meanwhile, my dear friend from grade school ... my first best friend in fact, just lost her Mother to a long illness.  The funeral is today.  Now technically, the business calls I have to make could be from anywhere.  The first place that is specifically at a time is my audition at 2 PM so I could make an 11 o'clock funeral to be there for her.  I haven't seen her in years but I remember when my Dad died and how much it meant to me to see some faces from my grade school or high school.  It really touched me.  Also, I know my friend's entire family and I would love to see them, granted it would be better under different circumstances but you know.  So, I do want to go and think it is important but I'm exhausted already and still have so much to do today.  I didn't even get into the packing of the props and the preparing the costumes and the working on my accent and oh, what about my lines ... I need to learn those too. Also, I didn't mention that if I add the funeral to my day that makes for 3 outfits and make up changes.  I'm still undecided maybe I'll know more by the time I finish typing this.  Usually I would ask a friend what they think I should do but everyone is so out of touch, including me.

Then there are the other stressful things happening in my life.  Throughout this project I've neglected so many people. I keep getting messages from people I really do want to talk to but I don't have the time.  It's like I want everyone to know that after February 14, I'll be back to normal but no one can be sure that is true.  I have never stayed home as much as lately when I'm just at my computer researching, learning, watching DVD's, studying and it can get to be pretty lonely.  Yet, there aren't many people I would actually want around because my energy is too low to entertain.  That doesn't make any sense does it?

Then there's the blog.  Oh the blog.  I've had 3 very telling discussions about my blog lately and I'll share what they have meant to me.  On one hand there is a part of me, the unfair part I must admit, that feels that if a person really cares about me for them to read my blog, actually take 5 minutes per day, isn't asking much.  On the other hand and this was pointed out to me by TWO people, the blog isn't really the true me.  It's the edited me.  It's the politically correct me. It's the Me that wants my Mom and a host of other friends not to worry to much. It's the me who is ever so mindful of everyone's feelings.  So it requires a lot of reading between the lines to see what's really going on and if you think the blog is edited you should ask me about A to Z face to face ... not much is said there either.  That is truly the antithesis of what a blog is supposed to be but I'm also very reliant on soooooooooooo many people that if I said my true feelings about any given moment it could make for some very entertaining reading but it could hurt people.  That's never my intention.  So I drone on, and quite boringly if that's a word.  I keep it PG not even PG 13 and I sort of wish I would have kept a journal on the side to allow myself to release all of those hidden thoughts and feelings.  So why would I have the need for someone to read it?  Why would I even care if someone close to me took the five minutes?  It doesn't make sense, I know.  There's no logic there but then again, as was pointed out to me by TWO friends, if they really know me they would read it and realize there's more to the story.  What a great jumping off point when they finally do get me on the phone instead of a rehashing and me telling the PC version first. 

The last 3 Wednesdays were fasting days for me but we decided not to fast last on the third one.  I think today though, I will get back to it ... who has time to eat anyway?  I have so much on my mind.  I wish I could say that the Z scene is planned but it's only about half way there and that freaks me out.  I wish I could say that my every relationship is running smoothly but that's not the case and it makes my stomach hurt.  I wish I could get a pardon from all around me and just a gathering of support through Valentine's Day but I might be arguing with what is ... so what is?  I'm just sitting here blogging to you and wondering about a funeral ... with my shoulders around my ears.

Oh and Meryl Streep.  Yes, let's not forget Meryl Streep and um, Meryl Streep.  Maybe that will get me on the google blog search for the day ... can't forget about that.