Valentine hearts all around me

Last night, rather this morning at 1 am, I found a stack of Valentine's Day cards and notes of congratulations in my mailbox.  I grabbed my flip camera and recorded me opening them.  At times I couldn't read the words through the tears.  I got notes from the AFTRA board (they all wrote on the card), Facebook friends, and even a guy who ran the camera for an audition I did the other day whom I only met once.  That's the thing about A to Z it was like catching a fever and it was contagious for the most part.  Once you watch one, you can't help but see another and if you participate in one then the comparison is inevitable.

I was surprised both yesterday and the day before to find the cards and that's because there was a part of me that thought maybe no one would notice that Valentine's Day was extra special for me this year.  Maybe people lost interest.  Maybe I was the tree in the woods.  These were my dark thoughts before going to my mailbox.  And I  must say, although I'm the WORST at sending cards, I LOVE cards.  I love a written note.  I love verbal expression of sentiments.  That's just me.

So how can I use words to describe what I'm feeling when I'm not quite sure myself?  On one hand there is a load of relief and on the other there is a sensation of being lost.  What will I do next?  I don't want to go back to life before A to Z and move on unaffected.  That would be ridiculous.  I have one person in my ear saying you need to put this all behind you and another saying this is just the beginning of A to Z.  What does my own voice say into my own ear?  My own voice is somewhere in the middle.  I do know that the marketing must begin now and I do want to create something completely new.  I also know that the next step must be funded because I cannot go on funding it with out help. Still it would be much easier to hear from someone who wants to hire me to be in their film so I could take the producer hat off for the time being.

I did get a call about Producing a project that is not on camera or even voice over.  It's more of a live event.  I will do it for the money as will I teach in the Fall for the money but my heart is not in either of those things and I already miss having my heart connected to my work.

At this point, I still have to receive the final edit of the Y scene and then I can post it to youtube and call it a day ... Valentine's Day.  Thank you all for being my Valentine this year.